My Father Forgets...

Gone...

2007-05-13T20:39:00.000-04:00

My father died today around 3:30 pm.

So much to say...but i just can't.

The Good Ole Days...

2007-04-30T20:04:00.001-04:00

Amy and Her Mommy and Daddy
Originally uploaded by Red Sox Bat Girl.

I need to post about my feelings on my dad in the nursing home...but I just can't do it right now....I found this picture on my mom's computer. They both look so young....and so happy. Look at that smile on my dad's face.

It does get worse...

2007-03-10T20:19:00.000-05:00

I went and visited my dad at the Nursing Home yesterday. I walked down the long corridor trying to figure out how I was going to act or what I was going to say. I got in and he was getting an ice cream from one of the nurses...he didn't recognize me but I said hi dad and he said his usual, "what are you doing out in public?" We walked around...he showed me his room and I choked back tears as I watched him shuffle down the hall with me. One of the worst parts...EVERYONE around him...were WORSE than him as far as the progression of the disease. It was a very hard 40 minutes. I walked a lot with him and he showed me where he eats and didn't make a lot of sense but it felt good to be close to him.

One thing that hit me harder than I thought was watching him trying to unknot the tie in his pj pants. He just couldn't do it. The man who had fixed my car when it needed it and built the house my mom still lives in...he fumbled with a simple knot....

When I left I kissed him and hurried out the door so he didn't see me break down. I sobbed out to the car...I sobbed in the car....I took off and had to pull over to vomit because I was crying so hard. By FAR the hardest I've cried since it all started.

I don't think i can go there alone again....and I don't know how I'm going to handle bringing Isabelle.

i hate this...

2007-03-03T10:51:00.001-05:00

Papa and Isabelle
Originally uploaded by Red Sox Bat Girl.

My dad was admitted into the Veteran's Home Thursday. My mother is a freakin' trooper but I can tell she's absolutely dying inside. She's so sad about the process she has to go through and there is nothing I can do but continue to support her when she's ready for it.

The home that my dad is in is incredible. My mom said its like new...it has everything my dad needs and it has resident animals. It's only an Alzhiemer's unit and the professionals there are trained for the disease. My mom can even bring Cady dog to visit him.

I'm so tired....I feel worn down....and I know this is just the beginning...I'm not looking forward to seeing him in the home for the first time. Wish me luck.

PS: IF you are reading this..please drop me a line and let me know.

The day is coming....

2007-02-24T17:16:00.000-05:00

Every day that I go see my mom, she looks more tired and her eyes are more red from crying. I run into people in my community and they comment how they saw my mom and how tired she looks. My mom is talking more and more to me about putting my dad in a nursing home and I think plans are in the making for it happening within the next few weeks. She can't physically or emotionally do it anymore.

I know I've written about this before...but today was one of the first days when I thought about not going over there again with Isabelle until my dad is gone into a home. He can't stand my mother doing anything that doesn't directly involve him. And he's just plain mean. He won't allow Isabelle to do ANYTHING and even though she seems oblivious to it...it's really starting to bother me. I want her to remember my father for the great man he was..not the man he's become.

I want my mother back as well...I don't care how selfish that sounds....I want her back...and I know that my father being in someone else's care is the only way I can have that. Now onto the next Chapter.....The Nursing Home.

Not getting any easier

2007-02-13T17:49:00.000-05:00

I haven't been updating this..mostly because I rarely find any humor in my dad these days. I come home to my parents to find my mom crying and my father being a jerk to her. I find her red eyes and her sad words destructive to my inner being. I want so much to help her..to make all of it go away....but I can't. She's been married to him for 50 years.....they've shared their life together...and now she's not even his wife...not even like his mother...she's a stranger....and a stranger that is willing to give up her happiness as of now to help him.

He'll be moving into a home within the next month. She can't do it on her own anymore and no one blames her. She has been a saint for the past few years. I only wish I can gain my mother back when he's safe and sound in a good nursing home. She needs to regain who she is....for herself ...and the family.

Times get tough..

2006-12-27T10:27:00.000-05:00

My mother has really really been going through a tough time with my dad lately. He's becoming more and more beligerent and demanding to "go home." The doctors know how important it is for my mom to keep him home with her so they've been prescribing some pretty heavy psych meds that will hopefully calm him down.

I've been thinking a lot about this lately, as I know my siblings have too. I think its time for my dad to go into a home. Most of it is because I want to preserve my mom's health. I know this is an awful thing to admit, but my dad is a lost cause. Now before you scold me for saying that....let me explain. I cannot CURE my father. I can't do ANYTHING to make him feel better. He is long gone past being the father I once knew. I have a mother, who is turning 70 this year, who is healthy, lively, and full of love. I am so afraid that dealing with my father 24-7 will cause her to lose that...to cause her to fail in her own health. Part of it is selfish...I want as MUCH time with my mother as possible...I feel like I need it....but also...she needs to live her life...she saved their money...she dreamed of travel (especially with the man she loves) and well...I want her to enjoy as much of her later life as possible....

It's a hard heart-wrenching decision.....I love my mom for doing what she's done...but it's time she lets some of this weight off of her back....

Some things people just don't forget...

2006-12-27T10:23:00.000-05:00

My father sometimes forgets who my mom is. He sometimes forgets who I am...or who my daughter is. But one person he never ever ever forgets. Want to know who that person is? My ex-husband. Yeah...that's right...the one man I TRY to forget...and my dad can't. He continually says, "When are you going to be done with that asshole..." Yes, boys and girls...that's right...he HATED my ex husband. From a week before my wedding until today...he's hated him. When I was married to my ex he would say things under his breath about him (when his disease was first starting to really show) and I'd have to go home and assure my ex that it was just the disease...that my father really did love him....without telling him that a week before our wedding, my father, in a VERY lucid state, begged me not to marry him. He said, "I don't like the way he treats you...the way he talks to you..."

So, I guess some things stay strong in my dad's head...including protecting his little girl. I love him more and more for that.

hiatus....

2006-11-03T10:52:00.000-05:00

I've taken time off from writing on this blog. Not because I've been so busy I haven't had the time, or because I have writers block. I could write twice a day on this thing and never run out of topics or stories to tell.

I stopped writing for awhile because it hurt. It hurt to read my own words on my father's disease. He hasn't had a lot of good days lately and I'm trying my best to keep my best foot forward. I found myself blogging on here and it taking me at least a day to stop feeling the sinking feeling in my heart...or at least a few hours to stop the tears.

I will tell you two stories that recently happened. I need to do this blog for a number of reasons:

My daughter - I want her to have some sort of journal/written piece that helps explains what happened to her Papa
My selfish reasons - I don't want to forget
I want to be able to help others who are dealing with the same thing. EVEN if its just them reading it and saying, "wow...that happened to me..."

For a few months now, my father has been asking to go "home." My mother deals with it quite frequently and has learned a method for getting him to stop asking. One time she even made him get in the car and SHOW her where home was. He didn't ask again for a week or so. His new "kick" (as if he knows what he's doing) is to ask why his mother left him. I was at my parent's house the other day and he kept asking Mom why his mother left. She explained that his parents had been dead for over 40 years and that he had actually left THEM at 16 to sign up for the Korean War. I went out to the kitchen to start supper and my father approached me. Since this disease has taken a turn for the worse...he has become a VERY close talker. He moves right in next to you....kinda at an angle and puts his face pretty close to yours. He then lowers his voice (as if others might be listening) and asks you whatever question he has. This time, however, he was crying. I've already discussed in posts past how I feel about him crying and the times I had seen him cry prior to this disease hitting him....but he was right there...right in my face...crying. He kept saying, "Why did she leave me?" I was completely frozen. He was coming to me for help....and I couldn't help him....and I was frozen.

I led him into the living room to his favorite chair and sat him down. I explained what I had heard my mother say to him a dozen times already and he nodded as if he understood. He eventually stopped crying but the memory has stuck in my head.

The next memory also made me cry...but for a different reason. I was sitting at the kitchen table with my mom, talking to her about simple things...giving her some adult conversation that she misses when with my father all day. My father came in from the living room and my mom said to him, "What would you like for supper honey?" He came close to her...bent down in front of her...gave her the softest kiss I've EVER seen him give her in my ENTIRE life and said, "how about you?" as he winked seductively and seemed to flirt. I was completely flustered. My parents had a good relationship while I was growing up and my dad sometimes hit my mom's butt playfully or hinted about his love for her...but this was the most affection I had REALLY seen him show her. I had to leave the room...and cry....how sad it must be for my mom to be losing her life partner, her true love.....

Ugh...Ok...done for the day.

An endless task....

2006-09-20T19:53:00.000-04:00

I haven't mentioned the fact that my mother is taking care of my dad right now at home. The reason this fact is so important is because I have never once appreciated my mother the way I do now. Her entire life revolves around having to remind the man she married 49 years ago that she is his wife. She has to tell him to only wear ONE pair of underwear. She has to tell him that the house they live in...they've lived in for 32 years....and that when he asks to "go home" she has nowhere to bring him.

My mother and I have always had a strange relationship...but I have stayed close to her because I know how much of a sacrifice it is for her to still be taking care of my father. She is with him almost 24/7 unless relatives come over to help her or I stop by and take Dad. I spend 2.5 hours alone with him and I start to get overwhelmed...I can't imagine living non-stop with him.

My mother is a godsend.

Kiss the boo boo's

2006-09-19T20:40:00.000-04:00

My daughter isn't feeling very well tonight. She's running a low grade fever and went to bed right away when we got home from our activities tonight. It reminded me of being sick when I was little.

My dad was never the spoiling type. When we were sick, he was just dad. He didn't baby us and he didn't go out of his way to make us feel better. We never felt less loved because of this...in fact, I never questioned it until I got older and saw how other father's acted. When I was a senior in high school, I came down with mono. It was like a week before finals...I didn't even get my friends to sign my yearbook. I can remember how I felt 432849023 times better when my dad walked through the door with ice cream. He had gone to the store and picked up some because I couldn't swallow anything solid and "he thought it would make me feel better..."

That also reminds me of when my first fiance cancelled everything on me a week before the wedding. I was absolutely devestated and my sister called everyone I knew to tell them. Within an hour, my door was a revolving one, opening and closing with bridesmaids and neices and nephews....telling me how sorry they were. I just sat on the living room floor...surrounded by pillows...crying my eyes out...every once in awhile laughing hysterically at something completely inappropriate...it was very close to crazy. Then a knock came at the door....when I opened it..there stood my dad...with a box of donuts. The only words out of his mouth were, "I brought you donuts." and I collapsed into his arms..sobbing. He just held me and held the donuts with his other hand in the open door of my apartment.

Whew. These posts are hard to write...that was a year before I found out my dad had Alzheimer's....how things have changed. But before I go...I will share with you this....

A few weeks ago, I went to my parent's house, pretty distraught over a divorce/custody matter. My little cousin was there and took Dad outside so that he didn't see me cry and I cried on my mom's shoulders and took her advice. I heard my dad come back inside and quietly said goodbye to my mom...I hid my face from my dad so that he didn't see me upset. (He is so emotional nowadays that even strangers crying makes him upset.) He grabbed my arm on the way out and as I brought my tear filled eyes to his...he looked at me in complete lucidity and said, "I love you." I whimpered I love you back to him and rushed out to my car....I bawled all the way home...glimpses of my father...the one I want to remember always...make me miss the past so much.

Ok..enough for now.

Had a bad day.....

2006-09-17T19:29:00.000-04:00

So, my dad is having a bad day today...hell, he's had a bad weekend. My mom said he's been really belligerent and she's been having a hard time keeping him calm. He hasn't been violent with her but I always fear that he will. She loves him so much and wants to be able to keep him home as long as possible...but he definitely is taking some major turns for the worst. The doctor mentioned putting him on a medicine but that this medicine would really interfere with his physical health. I'm going to look it up tonight and see if I can learn more on it.

My dad gets very anxious around Isabelle. Like saying things like, "SLOW DOWN" when she's just walking and "You're going to get hurt..." when she's standing still. Its amazing how he's held onto that need to protect his little girl...even if this time..it's MY little girl he's protecting.

I would write more but I'm tired...and this makes me more so. Will write soon.

Remember when?

2006-09-15T08:27:00.000-04:00

My wedding was...well, different. My ceremony was perfect...my dad walked me down the aisle...he looked so handsome in his tux....and he knew who I was. He knew I was his little girl and his moments were pretty lucid during that time. The reception though...it was a nightmare. We lost power....we had no A/C in the middle of August...no DJ because they couldn't plug in. My father started to get anxious. He ended up having a bit of a breakdown and having to go home. I remember him coming to me and just hugging me and crying and saying, "I'm sorry....I'm sorry" I was crushed...ALL my life I had waited for the time when I could dance with my dad. I dreamed of us waltzing together and everyone gushing at how much love we had for each other. I dreamed of him whispering advice in my ear and telling me he loved me. But I didn't get that chance at my reception...and I was crushed.

So I did what any emotional, redheaded, Daddy's girl would do. I drove to my parent's house (where my father had been brought), in my poofy white dress, went into the den and put the cd of our dance song into the cd player. My father came out of the bathroom, his eyes all red and puffy from crying and I said to him, "Dad, I don't care where we dance...but I'm dancing with you on my wedding night..." and all alone....with no one to snap pictures or be in awe of our connection, we danced. One of the most important memories of my life. My marriage didn't work out....but it was the vehicle to that lasting memory for me.

It was then that I realized that my dad's health was something I could no longer avoid.

The beginning -

2006-09-14T19:27:00.001-04:00

Dad and Cady Dog
Originally uploaded by Red Sox Bat Girl.

I can't remember the exact date...or the exact moment when the news came in that dad had been diagnosed (or at least an early diagnose) with Alzheimer's. I don't remember being crushed or even thinking about it clearly. It was just a name. My dad was still very aware...he just forgot sometimes why he entered a room or where the turn was that he always took. But don't we all do that? He was still my grumpy dad...and I was still his little girl..not yet married..not yet thinking about children...I was just his daughter that he loved and still talked to in full sentences and with lots of laughter.

My dad and I have quite a relationship. Don't get me wrong..it's not some "Leave it to Beaver" dad and baby girl relationship. My dad was this gruff frenchman who rarely gave out hugs or kisses but did alot of teasing and "faked" grumbling when we gave him our love. I only saw him cry 2 times before his disease hit him. Once was when my brother moved out in high school and my dad was in the summer kitchen crying and I accidently walked in on him. He looked up and me and said, "I just want him to come home." I turned around immediately and went up to my room to cry myself. I was the reason my brother moved out (well at least me getting him in trouble and my parents being stern with him) and instead of comforting my father and telling him it was ok...I turned and didn't face his vunerablility....maybe because I didn't want to admit that the man I saw as invincible...and strong....could feel such sadness.

The second time was when my father, being my father, called me stupid teasingly at a moment of extreme hormones in my junior year of high school. I yelled back, "I AM NOT STUPID!!" I ran up to my room, full of purple plushness and cried into my pillow...not sure why I was crying but knowing that I didn't want the man I loved the most to call me stupid...even if he was teasing. My father came into my room slowly and said, "You are NOT stupid....I am sorry...." and he cried. I remember him holding me and crying...telling me how proud he was of me. One of my fondest memories in my heart.

I had more to this story but I have to stop now....I have to take this a little at a time.

The story of my father and me...

2006-09-14T06:36:00.000-04:00

I have had enough. Enough of the memories...enough of the "jeez, I should probably write this down..."

I've had enough of the questions. I've had enough of the guilt. I've had enough of the whole damn thing.

So I'm writing.

This is the story of my father and me. This is the story of a daughter slowly losing her father in a way that is unimaginable. Piece by piece. No tragic accident. No cure. My father barely knows me now. Alzheimer's claims my father now. There are no words to describe my feelings for the disease...but there are words that need to be said...stories that need to be shared....that's why I'm starting this. Who knows who I'll share it with..or who will come across it. There will be stories of past, present, and future. Stories that will break your heart, make you laugh, and make you wonder even more if I'm sane in this journey.

I will use humor as much as possible...its what keeps me going. Welcome to this journey with me...but hold on...it's probably going to be bumpy!